random_ficcery | Non-Sequitur: One-Sided Conversations

Am I the only one that gets odd conversations stuck in my head? Hope not. This was one from last year, it's a woman talking on her cellphone in a stairwell. Make of it what you will, but it kinda amused me.

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Title: Woman talking on a cellphone in a stairwell
Words: 642
Year Written: 2009
Category: Non-Sequitur/Fantasy
Summary: Pretty much what the title says.
Notes/Warnings: Language.
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"Why are you calling me at work over this?"

"You what? Your what? Instincts being smothered?"

"We've been through this. I am not having this conversation again. You have two options right now, if you're going to keep living at my place - one, you go down there, lock up, and tough it out; two, you go out tonight and cater to your 'instincts' and hunt, but don't you dare come back to my place afterward. If you go out, you're staying out. Your stuff will be on the porch by morning and the locks changed. I'm so serious right now, I can't even tell you."

"Bullshit! I don't need to understand. You can march your ass down there right now and do it. You're either an animal or a sentient being."

"Yes, that's what I said."

"Lookit, an animal does what its instincts tell it, no matter what, and can only learn the most basic of behaviors outside of what evolution has made it. A sentient being looks at all the factors, is aware of what the instincts are saying, but makes a decision based on reason and intellect. An animal would scamper out there and hunt. A sentient being would do the right thing and lock up the animal for the night."

"No. No, YOU don't understand! Once a month, it's all I can do not to fucking stab someone in the eye with a pencil because they looked at me funny. You ever hear of me doing it? NO! Because I'm not an animal! I am a sentient being who, despite how annoying and stupid some people might be, doesn't kill them just because it might feel really good for ten minutes."

"It IS the same right now. You are in control and you can go down ten steps, walk five feet, and close a damned door. You want to hunt? I'll bring you a fucking chew toy!"

"I care, hell yes, I care, but I am NOT catering to this whiney shit of yours every other month. You know your options. Pick one."

"Yeah? You think I won't? I'm stopping at the hardware store on the way home."

"Locks, bars, and metal-reinforced doors. I got a screwdriver, I got a ladder. You see if I don't make some damned home improvements."

"Try me."

"Do I sound like I'm bullshitting you?"

"I know, and I get that you are frustrated. Doesn't change anything. This is as much for you as it is for me or anyone else."

"You will? Good. Thank you."

"Yeah, well, I probably love you, too, only not so much right now."

"Of course I'm still angry. I can't just turn it off like a switch."

"Excuse me? Don't even throw my words back on me about this. I'm still sentient, because I can say even that much, rather than spend the next hour cussing you out. THEN coming home and dying your fuzzy ass pink and dolling you up in a rhinestone collar engraved with the name 'fluffykins' or something."

"Stop laughing, you jerk. It wasn't that funny."

"Sure, yeah, okay. You're probably even forgiven."

"Hell yes I know where to get the dye and the collar. I never make a threat I can't carry out."

"What? Yes, that includes the time I said that."

"Yes, of course. You only now figured that out?"

"Of course I have one. Bigger than yours, matter of fact."

"Yes way."

"You behave, maybe we'll talk about it. Right now I have to go back to work."

"Ha! You say that like it's a bad thing. I'm hanging up now."

"I'll think about it. Bye."

"God! Fine! I love you, even if you are a dipshit."

"That's as good as you're getting, don't make me get creative."

"Yeah, I know, I know. Go on, now. See you later."

*click*